Discussing Forgiveness With Other Victims of Abuse

There is a discussion on 'Forgiveness' taking place on Facebook in a group called 'Overcoming Sexual Abuse' which prompted me to publish this post. Please keep in mind that many of these survivors do not know or believe in God. And, in some cases, their abuse was acted out in the name of Jesus.

There are so many different perspectives on forgiveness. It is no wonder there is so much unforgiveness without the understanding of what forgiveness is NOT.

This was the original post with a link to their blog:

"When they disclose their abuse, survivors are frequently asked, "Have you forgiven him (your abuser) yet?", Sheryl, a commenter on the blog ‘What About Forgiveness?’ asked: “I wonder why these listeners who can’t stand hearing about abuse and feel the need to come up with a quick fix don’t ever ask, ‘Has he ASKED for forgiveness?’"

What About Forgiveness was written by Christina Enevoldsen, who also is co-founder of the site and group, "Overcoming Sexual Abuse: Embracing a New Life".

Here are some of the following comments:

"..has he said.."I'm sorry"

"My therapist told me "forgiveness is for those who seek it"

"Does "he" deserve forgiveness for the pain he caused?"

"A lot of people use forgiveness against survivors as if it's our responsibility or something. Often times we hear religious reasons why we need to forgive, but what people are forgetting is that we aren't obligated to forgive anyone who has never changed their ways. We don't ever have to forgive our abusers if we don't want, and we certainly don't need to forgive anyone who hasn't taken any steps to deserve our forgiveness."

"I forgave my father who was my molester as well as my mother for her co-dependence of closing her eyes to the years of abuse I suffered as a child and later as an adult. Neither will ever apologize...for my mother it would mean having to admit an ugly truth. As for my father he does not believe in apologies, more importantly he doesn't feel what he did was wrong...he was being a "good" father .
Forgiveness is too take power back from our abusers. It is for our psychological benefit to advance toward healing. I forgave, but I choose not to associate for my sanity and protection."

"Another important question is have they shown any remorse and if so how do you know that it is for real? That doesn't seem to happen much, if at all, when it involves crimes like this."

"You know it's no wonder people feel so differently about forgiving. Not only do we all have different circumstances, but we also has different definitions of the word forgiveness."

"And then they use our non-forgiveness as an excuse for not helping us, thinking it's ok to dismiss us and tell us we're awful people and that because we don't forgive, or "care" about our abusers, we somehow brought this on ourselves, or de...serve it, or they decide by their own judgmental processes that we don't deserve help and that we're the problem. No wonder life is hard for victims of abuse... The world just don't see this stuff, at all, or know how to spot it. Even professionals make mistakes here. I'm not sure I'm going to make it, practically speaking. It seems there is no room in the world, for a person to heal, but I'm still trying."

Here is where I began my comments:

Forgiveness is not about doing something for the perpetrator. It is about releasing ourselves from self torment.

This just breaks my heart to read of these 'professionals' who end up building more obstacles in the path of healing for victims of abuse. Some opposites of forgiveness include 'retaliation', 'revenge', and 'vengeance'. Okay, let's throw 'hate' in there too. Now, these are things I felt in my own unforgiveness. I prayed for their death and destruction. Now, the feelings I had for my mother were more about betrayal and hurt; even disgust at times.

For me, I just can not keep my faith out of this picture, my friends. Because, for me, I discovered that there was NOTHING I could possibly do in life on my own to rise above the rage, hate, and all these emotions in me. It was taking root and affecting my working relationships, my marriage, and my sleep. I literally began having homicidal thoughts toward anyone who would do me wrong in life. How could I become like this? I kept it a secret for along time because I had a great career going and wore many masks to hide everything. Nobody would have ever known my desire to kill.

Then my best friend from high school kept coming to mind. Monica's mom tried to murder her with a butcher knife when she was a little girl. She and I shared our hurts through high school and bonded. Then I watched her go through changes. She'd found peace and forgiveness. She was happy in life and no longer carried the pain. As I observed her new life, I longed to have that ability to heal. She told me it was all about her relationship with Jesus. Spiritually, she was now free from all that torment.

I could not understand. But after three years of rejecting the concept of Jesus Christ being real enough to do such healing, I gave Him a chance. I simply had nothing else I could try on my own. So, I accepted her invitation to a women's retreat where all these ladies (many with whom I shared similar hurts) were pouring their hearts out and praying for one another. I never saw so much love. I poured out my pain that weekend and asked God to give me peace. I begged Him. I could not go on with my life and the brutality being lived out in my mind. I even had nightmares of little demons jumping up and down on my bed. I was in fear besides thoughts of homicide and suicide.

When I cried all this stuff out and begged God to help me, all that stuff in me was removed. It was lifted from my heart and I felt peace. I felt relief for my soul. It was a soothing and comfort like nothing else I'd ever experienced. It was gone. Now, this was not even associated with forgiveness. I was not talking about forgiveness there. I just wanted help to remove these horrible thoughts and emotions.

But what came with Jesus' love was an understanding of how someone could inflict such harm to me. This came over time; certainly not during that weekend. It was a process as I was trusting my new found faith in Christ. The spiritual healing has been amazing and led me to the knowledge that hurting people hurt others. We've all heard this saying, right? Well, it's true. Some are psychopaths, sociopaths, and struggle with mental illness, while others are simply broken and living out the aftereffects of their own abuse. Look at me! I wanted to KILL!! Oh, and I also had thoughts of pedophilia! God removed all of it without years of therapy or counseling. There were some support groups along the way, but mostly trusting that God would transform my heart and my mind. There were remnant of sexual addiction which have also been miraculously removed from my life! It all came through spiritual healing.

I had to take my thoughts off of those who did these things and look to God only. THEN He revealed things that happened to my mother, my father, my step father, and my uncle. I began to see what happened to them in their lives and how it caused them to do the things (or not do) they did to harm me. I found compassion and began praying for them. I NEVER restored or reconciled with two of my abusers. THAT is not required of forgiveness.

I found my own journey to forgiveness through compassion (understanding). I had to understand what made them like this in order to let go of my role as judge and jury. Please check out my post on how I found the ability to forgive, Compassion: My Journey to Forgiveness

I apologize for the lengthy post, but I do hope it blessed you or gave you some glimpse of hope as you read it. I love you all and pray God will miraculously come in and move you toward healing and wholeness.