Infertility to Motherhood - The Discovery (Part 1)
Motherhood is, by far, the most beautiful of all things a woman can experience. The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. This maternal, nurturing side of me was now revealing itself for the very first time. As I was overcome with a longing for a child, I was quite surprised. Suddenly, all the Biker rallies, trips to Hawaii, weekend getaways, parties, and even my well-paying career took a backseat. It all seemed so pointless, as if it were now simply filling some sort of void. My existence, my purpose, shifted to starting a family.
During my sexually active teen years, while most of my girlfriends were becoming pregnant and dropping out of school, I skated by without getting pregnant and finishing school. At the time, I thought I was simply lucky. This thinking provoked even more reckless behavior with men. Even then, I ‘knew’ I was infertile. I did not have to worry about getting pregnant unexpectedly, and neither did they. There was a sick freedom in that. My thoughts were that I was very blessed. It was not until ten years later I would discover otherwise.
At the age of twenty-six, I worked with mostly young women who all seemed to be either having babies or wanting to start their family. I can’t tell you how many baby showers I attended between the ages of 23-26. I really began to wonder about our drinking water at my office. So what was wrong with me? Why was I not getting pregnant? I was married at that time, and had been with my husband for close to nine years. We never used contraception. Come to think of it, I had never once used contraception. Something was amiss.
The first fertility test was intrusive in many ways. The doctor conducted a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which is a radiology procedure used to determine abnormalities in and around the fallopian tubes and uterus. A bluish dye is injected into the uterine cavity, which causes severe cramping. If all flows well, you can actually watch the dye spill into the fallopian tubes, continuing into the abdominal cavity. Unfortunately, as I watched the monitor, the dye was not going anywhere. I had massive amounts of scar tissue all around my tubes and ovaries. Not only that, but my fallopian tubes were disfigured and damaged from the inside.
What a blow to discover that my infertility was the result of years of sexual abuse during my early childhood and adolescent years. I was enraged at my step-father all over again, as well as the other men who had taken advantage of my trust and stole my innocence. Now, it seemed they had stolen yet another precious gift. Viewing the images of all the damage in my reproductive system was just more trauma to my soul. I nearly lost it as I dwelled on these continued ramifications of my childhood abuse. This statement that I would not experience pregnancy was a complete lie from the devil! Fortunately, the nurse had also walked through years of infertility treatment. She saw my reaction and quickly began presenting me with options.
There were only two; Adoption or In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). We opted for IVF, which is simply the uniting of egg and sperm in vitro (in a lab dish).
My husband comforted me, reassuring me that I was the only reason he married me. If I was unable to bear children, it would not make any difference to him in our marriage. The thing was, it made a huge difference to me. This was my ‘womanhood’; my purpose of being born a female.
Once this longing was set into motion, there was no escaping the subject of babies, or infertility for that matter. You would think going to work each day would take my mind off of it; quite the contrary. In my management job, I supervised fourteen people, of which three women were also experiencing difficulties conceiving a child. All three of these women were also very dear friends away from work. We all were facing different circumstances concerning our cases. What we did share was a relentless drive to pursue motherhood. It was pretty amazing having such a tight knit support group. And this continued into another circle of friends.
Two of our closest friends had recently married and were also experiencing fertility issues. How bittersweet to have all these friends to share similar struggles with. We encouraged one another and cried for each other through every negative pregnancy test and additional obstacle set before us. One of those precious women ended up losing her miracle baby in a drowning accident at age three. Another had adopted a baby boy only to have the birth mother change her mind right before the six-month waiting period had ended. She was so devastated and mourned as if her baby boy had died. Our other friend finally opted for In Vito Fertilization. She had success on her very first attempt! Her first ultrasound detected three heartbeats. Triplets! However, along with this exciting news came some not so exciting news. One of the heartbeats was extremely weak. Apparently, her doctors were convinced that if she tried to carry all three, all three would not make it. She had a 50/50 chance; to risk the lives of all three, or stop the heartbeat of the weaker one to save the lives of the others. She chose the latter.
For some reason, abortion touched closer to home through family members using abortion as a method of birth control. Unwanted babies? Mother’s Day had become increasingly difficult to celebrate.
Here we were, ready to begin our first IVF cycle. After many days of hormone injections with very large needles, my eggs were harvested from my ovaries. I had lots and lots of eggs! My Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor) was very excited to see how magnificently my eggs grew for the harvest! The next step was to monitor their ability to be fertilized by my husband’s sperm. He was smoking pot leading up to this, so I was worried that might pose a problem. Pot makes those babies lazy and slow. I praise God that this process removed that addiction from him. Not only did we achieve fertilization, but the rate was close to 60%. This means out of twenty-five eggs, fifteen of them fertilized into healthy embryos.
In order to maximize our chance of a successful IVF cycle, we opted to transfer eight of the embryos into my uterus. The whole process is remarkable and crazy. Everything is forced by the miracles of modern reproductive medicine, from stimulation of the maturing of the eggs, to telling your body it must ovulate, to the fertilization of the egg into an embryo. What a miracle God has worked through medicine to be able to create life through this process! Did you hear what I said? EIGHT embryos implanted into my body! I could have been OctoMom!
What a disappointment when I received the news that our first attempt was unsuccessful. I was certain I was pregnant. With all the hormones we continued to inject into my body, every sign of a positive pregnancy was hitting me, except the numbers were not high enough.
This launched me into a new season in my life. Not only did I surrender my heart to Jesus during this year, but I was now venturing into new territory of learning what it meant to trust Him.
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you hope and a future.
The journey continues...
During my sexually active teen years, while most of my girlfriends were becoming pregnant and dropping out of school, I skated by without getting pregnant and finishing school. At the time, I thought I was simply lucky. This thinking provoked even more reckless behavior with men. Even then, I ‘knew’ I was infertile. I did not have to worry about getting pregnant unexpectedly, and neither did they. There was a sick freedom in that. My thoughts were that I was very blessed. It was not until ten years later I would discover otherwise.
At the age of twenty-six, I worked with mostly young women who all seemed to be either having babies or wanting to start their family. I can’t tell you how many baby showers I attended between the ages of 23-26. I really began to wonder about our drinking water at my office. So what was wrong with me? Why was I not getting pregnant? I was married at that time, and had been with my husband for close to nine years. We never used contraception. Come to think of it, I had never once used contraception. Something was amiss.
The first fertility test was intrusive in many ways. The doctor conducted a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which is a radiology procedure used to determine abnormalities in and around the fallopian tubes and uterus. A bluish dye is injected into the uterine cavity, which causes severe cramping. If all flows well, you can actually watch the dye spill into the fallopian tubes, continuing into the abdominal cavity. Unfortunately, as I watched the monitor, the dye was not going anywhere. I had massive amounts of scar tissue all around my tubes and ovaries. Not only that, but my fallopian tubes were disfigured and damaged from the inside.
What a blow to discover that my infertility was the result of years of sexual abuse during my early childhood and adolescent years. I was enraged at my step-father all over again, as well as the other men who had taken advantage of my trust and stole my innocence. Now, it seemed they had stolen yet another precious gift. Viewing the images of all the damage in my reproductive system was just more trauma to my soul. I nearly lost it as I dwelled on these continued ramifications of my childhood abuse. This statement that I would not experience pregnancy was a complete lie from the devil! Fortunately, the nurse had also walked through years of infertility treatment. She saw my reaction and quickly began presenting me with options.
There were only two; Adoption or In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). We opted for IVF, which is simply the uniting of egg and sperm in vitro (in a lab dish).
My husband comforted me, reassuring me that I was the only reason he married me. If I was unable to bear children, it would not make any difference to him in our marriage. The thing was, it made a huge difference to me. This was my ‘womanhood’; my purpose of being born a female.
Once this longing was set into motion, there was no escaping the subject of babies, or infertility for that matter. You would think going to work each day would take my mind off of it; quite the contrary. In my management job, I supervised fourteen people, of which three women were also experiencing difficulties conceiving a child. All three of these women were also very dear friends away from work. We all were facing different circumstances concerning our cases. What we did share was a relentless drive to pursue motherhood. It was pretty amazing having such a tight knit support group. And this continued into another circle of friends.
Two of our closest friends had recently married and were also experiencing fertility issues. How bittersweet to have all these friends to share similar struggles with. We encouraged one another and cried for each other through every negative pregnancy test and additional obstacle set before us. One of those precious women ended up losing her miracle baby in a drowning accident at age three. Another had adopted a baby boy only to have the birth mother change her mind right before the six-month waiting period had ended. She was so devastated and mourned as if her baby boy had died. Our other friend finally opted for In Vito Fertilization. She had success on her very first attempt! Her first ultrasound detected three heartbeats. Triplets! However, along with this exciting news came some not so exciting news. One of the heartbeats was extremely weak. Apparently, her doctors were convinced that if she tried to carry all three, all three would not make it. She had a 50/50 chance; to risk the lives of all three, or stop the heartbeat of the weaker one to save the lives of the others. She chose the latter.
For some reason, abortion touched closer to home through family members using abortion as a method of birth control. Unwanted babies? Mother’s Day had become increasingly difficult to celebrate.
Here we were, ready to begin our first IVF cycle. After many days of hormone injections with very large needles, my eggs were harvested from my ovaries. I had lots and lots of eggs! My Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor) was very excited to see how magnificently my eggs grew for the harvest! The next step was to monitor their ability to be fertilized by my husband’s sperm. He was smoking pot leading up to this, so I was worried that might pose a problem. Pot makes those babies lazy and slow. I praise God that this process removed that addiction from him. Not only did we achieve fertilization, but the rate was close to 60%. This means out of twenty-five eggs, fifteen of them fertilized into healthy embryos.In order to maximize our chance of a successful IVF cycle, we opted to transfer eight of the embryos into my uterus. The whole process is remarkable and crazy. Everything is forced by the miracles of modern reproductive medicine, from stimulation of the maturing of the eggs, to telling your body it must ovulate, to the fertilization of the egg into an embryo. What a miracle God has worked through medicine to be able to create life through this process! Did you hear what I said? EIGHT embryos implanted into my body! I could have been OctoMom!
What a disappointment when I received the news that our first attempt was unsuccessful. I was certain I was pregnant. With all the hormones we continued to inject into my body, every sign of a positive pregnancy was hitting me, except the numbers were not high enough.
This launched me into a new season in my life. Not only did I surrender my heart to Jesus during this year, but I was now venturing into new territory of learning what it meant to trust Him.
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you hope and a future.
The journey continues...
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May the words shared here bless you in some way and inspire you to draw closer to God. Your input is welcomed and appreciated, my friend!