Infertility to Motherhood: Humble Heart-Healing Hands (Part 2)
Welcome to the 2nd part of my journey through infertility to motherhood. Before you continue, I encourage you to read Part 1, The Discovery.
My heart was aching for a child more and more with each passing day. My outlook on abortion grew more toward pro-life. My brother’s girlfriend chose to have an abortion right in the middle of all of this. Her choice tore my heart out. I mourned over her disregard for life for over a month. It was not easy to face her. I suppose my longing for a baby was as strong as her desire not to have another. My sister, Jami, always could get pregnant at the mention of a baby. She lovingly offered to carry a child for me. We grew very close through this process. Jami had something I did not and she wanted to bless me with the gift of life. As she loved on me through the ridicule I received for ‘wanting to bring another baby into the world’, I was overcome with an urgency to introduce her to Jesus. After all, He is the giver of life eternal. We both had this growing love toward one another, to bless one another with life and love.
Friends and family were praying fervently for a baby. My husband was such a trooper. He never once complained about my radical mood swings (that is putting it so mildly) or his duty of administering all of my shots. I felt like a pin cushion and was bruised severely from them. We had mortgaged our house to cover the outrageous medical expenses. At this time, In Vitro Fertilization was considered experimental and insurance companies did not even look at covering anything related to it. We set out to do this all over again, but first had to save up another chunk of money in order to move forward.
We were thankful we could travel across the Mexican border with our prescription to purchase my hormone medications. There we saved more than seventy-five percent for the same drug manufactured by the same company! I was pretty freaked out over the thought of carrying an ice cooler filled with syringes back across the border into the United States, but they never even took a peek. Thank you, Lord!
Round two started out pretty rough. My job called me to a conference out of state. I live in California and had to travel to Wisconsin for the week. This came at the onset of my Lupron injections, which I had to administer myself! Yikes! An unexpected phone call of tragic news came while I was away, and I caught the first flight home. Jami died in an accident the night before; my sister who wanted more than anything to give me a child. She knew the longing within me and she wanted me to experience this amazing love only shared between a mother and child. Only one month before, Jami surrendered her heart to Jesus, and God had used me to lead her to Him. Planning Jami’s memorial and walking through this time with her young boys, my mother, and the rest of our family was now our focus. This round of In Vitro was put on hold for awhile.
Psalm 34:17 - The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them and delivers them from all their troubles.
I could not control what was going on with the baby making process and now our world was turned upside down with the loss of my sister. My dysfunctional self had to have change, so I left my job for a similar one. Now that I look back, this choice made absolutely no sense. What I’ve concluded is that it was simply a step toward what God really intended for me. The doctors tried different things to increase the possibility of at least one of the next batch of embryos to grab hold of my uterine wall. Again, our attempt was unsuccessful.
The following year, I returned to my annual women’s retreat with Cathedral of Faith at Mission Springs Conference Center in Scotts Valley, CA. This was my third year attending. The first year there, I accepted Christ. The next year, Jami surrendered her life to Christ only one month before she went home to Jesus.
This year, I invited my mother to join me. Our guest speaker was Stephanie Boosahda, Christian recording artist and guest-host on the 700 Club. Stephanie is also gifted in prophetic prayer and spiritual discernment. The past two years were so filled with blessing for me and my sister. We go seeking and expecting these things, right? That is what a retreat is for, to encounter Jesus! However, this year, I felt led to sit quietly in the back of the church; not in the front, where I tend to gravitate to. My heart was in a place where I just wanted to sit back and watch God do His work in my mother’s heart. Even though I had this huge pain in my heart for a child, I did not want the attention on me. We took our seats in the back pew.
This was my mother’s first women’s retreat. I shared with her all about my first year as I surrendered my life to Christ. She heard of the great things that happened the year before with Jami. My mom also had walked through Jami’s death this past year. My heart’s desire was for God to come in and minister to my mother’s heart. The blessing I desired for others was for my mother! She was dying inside. Oh Lord, please comfort my mother! Pour your healing love into her heart, dear God!
As our session began, Stephanie led us in worship. Then she began praying prophetic prayers, speaking God’s blessing into the hearts of so many women in the sanctuary. My head was bowed down, resting on the back of the pew in front of me. My heart was crying out to God for all these women the Holy Spirit was touching in this moment! Tears were streaming and the Spirit was moving powerfully! We had a room filled with 300+ wailing women.
Jeremiah 9:17-20 - This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Consider now! Call for the wailing women to come; send for the most skillful of them. Let them come quickly and wail over us till our eyes overflow with tears and water streams from our eyelids. Now, O women, hear the word of the LORD; open your ears to the words of his mouth..
Stephanie paused for a few moments and many were speaking in tongues. I continued praying with my head down. I heard her words as she discerned a woman in the room who was barren (infertile). Stephanie began discerning the details of the physical aspects of this barren woman. I cried harder. My thoughts were toward someone else, not my own infertility! I could relate to whoever this woman was and my heart was hurting for HER!
The Apostle Paul instructs us about sacrifice and humility in his letters to the Romans and the Philippians:
Romans 12:3 - No man is to think of himself more highly than he ought.
Philippians 2:3 - Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
As I continued interceding with all the other women, my mom grabbed my hand and raised it up!
It’s my daughter!
Here was my mother, walking through the most painful time in her life after losing her own daughter, and she was blessing ME! This caught me completely off guard as I looked up and saw Stephanie for the first time with her hands stretched out over the room of women. She continued in prophetic prayers of infertility and declared healing in the name of Jesus. My mom tried to nudge me forward for prayer. I was called to the front.
It is not my turn, Lord!
I heard inside me, “It IS your time, my child!”
Was I being rewarded? This is what it felt like then and still feels like today.
Psalm 37:11 - But the humble will inherit the land, And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.
2 Chronicles 12:7 - And when the LORD saw that they humbled themselves, the word of the LORD came to Shemaiah, saying, "They have humbled themselves so I will not destroy them, but I will grant them some [measure] of deliverance..”
Proverbs 22:4 - The reward of humility [and] the fear of the LORD Are riches, honor and life.
As the Holy Spirit moved and revealed things to Stephanie, she and Lorraine guided me to the front pew, where I specifically chose NOT to sit this year. All of the things she discerned in her prophetic prayers were confirmed as I shared about my longing for a child and the infertility treatments I was in the midst of. They laid hands on me and prayed for healing. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.
As I write this, I wish for those who’ve never experienced the healing hand of God to really hear and understand what it feels like. Of course, you cannot possibly fully understand until you yourself have encountered His healing power. I felt my stomach and my entire body start to tremble! Doubt and fear were released from my mind and my heart! Peace and trust in God’s promises replaced the lies and deception I carried. I now BELIEVED God would entrust me with a child. The peace that consumed me was incredible. I could barely walk. The joy that consumed me had me crying in elation, KNOWING I would become a mother.
Preparing for this third attempt at IVF was much more peaceful. I simply KNEW it would be a success. My trust in God to show His faithfulness was unwavering. All I had to do was trust in His promise, the direct prophetic word I received at retreat, and to continue on with my treatment. Work no longer consumed my days as I shifted gears from a highly demanding and exhausting seventy-hour work week to a part time thirty-hour work week.
The journey gets even better... Part 3 to come shortly!
My heart was aching for a child more and more with each passing day. My outlook on abortion grew more toward pro-life. My brother’s girlfriend chose to have an abortion right in the middle of all of this. Her choice tore my heart out. I mourned over her disregard for life for over a month. It was not easy to face her. I suppose my longing for a baby was as strong as her desire not to have another. My sister, Jami, always could get pregnant at the mention of a baby. She lovingly offered to carry a child for me. We grew very close through this process. Jami had something I did not and she wanted to bless me with the gift of life. As she loved on me through the ridicule I received for ‘wanting to bring another baby into the world’, I was overcome with an urgency to introduce her to Jesus. After all, He is the giver of life eternal. We both had this growing love toward one another, to bless one another with life and love.
Friends and family were praying fervently for a baby. My husband was such a trooper. He never once complained about my radical mood swings (that is putting it so mildly) or his duty of administering all of my shots. I felt like a pin cushion and was bruised severely from them. We had mortgaged our house to cover the outrageous medical expenses. At this time, In Vitro Fertilization was considered experimental and insurance companies did not even look at covering anything related to it. We set out to do this all over again, but first had to save up another chunk of money in order to move forward.
We were thankful we could travel across the Mexican border with our prescription to purchase my hormone medications. There we saved more than seventy-five percent for the same drug manufactured by the same company! I was pretty freaked out over the thought of carrying an ice cooler filled with syringes back across the border into the United States, but they never even took a peek. Thank you, Lord!
Round two started out pretty rough. My job called me to a conference out of state. I live in California and had to travel to Wisconsin for the week. This came at the onset of my Lupron injections, which I had to administer myself! Yikes! An unexpected phone call of tragic news came while I was away, and I caught the first flight home. Jami died in an accident the night before; my sister who wanted more than anything to give me a child. She knew the longing within me and she wanted me to experience this amazing love only shared between a mother and child. Only one month before, Jami surrendered her heart to Jesus, and God had used me to lead her to Him. Planning Jami’s memorial and walking through this time with her young boys, my mother, and the rest of our family was now our focus. This round of In Vitro was put on hold for awhile.
Psalm 34:17 - The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them and delivers them from all their troubles.
I could not control what was going on with the baby making process and now our world was turned upside down with the loss of my sister. My dysfunctional self had to have change, so I left my job for a similar one. Now that I look back, this choice made absolutely no sense. What I’ve concluded is that it was simply a step toward what God really intended for me. The doctors tried different things to increase the possibility of at least one of the next batch of embryos to grab hold of my uterine wall. Again, our attempt was unsuccessful.
The following year, I returned to my annual women’s retreat with Cathedral of Faith at Mission Springs Conference Center in Scotts Valley, CA. This was my third year attending. The first year there, I accepted Christ. The next year, Jami surrendered her life to Christ only one month before she went home to Jesus.
This year, I invited my mother to join me. Our guest speaker was Stephanie Boosahda, Christian recording artist and guest-host on the 700 Club. Stephanie is also gifted in prophetic prayer and spiritual discernment. The past two years were so filled with blessing for me and my sister. We go seeking and expecting these things, right? That is what a retreat is for, to encounter Jesus! However, this year, I felt led to sit quietly in the back of the church; not in the front, where I tend to gravitate to. My heart was in a place where I just wanted to sit back and watch God do His work in my mother’s heart. Even though I had this huge pain in my heart for a child, I did not want the attention on me. We took our seats in the back pew.
This was my mother’s first women’s retreat. I shared with her all about my first year as I surrendered my life to Christ. She heard of the great things that happened the year before with Jami. My mom also had walked through Jami’s death this past year. My heart’s desire was for God to come in and minister to my mother’s heart. The blessing I desired for others was for my mother! She was dying inside. Oh Lord, please comfort my mother! Pour your healing love into her heart, dear God!
As our session began, Stephanie led us in worship. Then she began praying prophetic prayers, speaking God’s blessing into the hearts of so many women in the sanctuary. My head was bowed down, resting on the back of the pew in front of me. My heart was crying out to God for all these women the Holy Spirit was touching in this moment! Tears were streaming and the Spirit was moving powerfully! We had a room filled with 300+ wailing women.Jeremiah 9:17-20 - This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Consider now! Call for the wailing women to come; send for the most skillful of them. Let them come quickly and wail over us till our eyes overflow with tears and water streams from our eyelids. Now, O women, hear the word of the LORD; open your ears to the words of his mouth..
Stephanie paused for a few moments and many were speaking in tongues. I continued praying with my head down. I heard her words as she discerned a woman in the room who was barren (infertile). Stephanie began discerning the details of the physical aspects of this barren woman. I cried harder. My thoughts were toward someone else, not my own infertility! I could relate to whoever this woman was and my heart was hurting for HER!
The Apostle Paul instructs us about sacrifice and humility in his letters to the Romans and the Philippians:
Romans 12:3 - No man is to think of himself more highly than he ought.
Philippians 2:3 - Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
As I continued interceding with all the other women, my mom grabbed my hand and raised it up!
It’s my daughter!
Here was my mother, walking through the most painful time in her life after losing her own daughter, and she was blessing ME! This caught me completely off guard as I looked up and saw Stephanie for the first time with her hands stretched out over the room of women. She continued in prophetic prayers of infertility and declared healing in the name of Jesus. My mom tried to nudge me forward for prayer. I was called to the front.
It is not my turn, Lord!
I heard inside me, “It IS your time, my child!”
Was I being rewarded? This is what it felt like then and still feels like today.
Psalm 37:11 - But the humble will inherit the land, And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.
2 Chronicles 12:7 - And when the LORD saw that they humbled themselves, the word of the LORD came to Shemaiah, saying, "They have humbled themselves so I will not destroy them, but I will grant them some [measure] of deliverance..”
Proverbs 22:4 - The reward of humility [and] the fear of the LORD Are riches, honor and life.
As the Holy Spirit moved and revealed things to Stephanie, she and Lorraine guided me to the front pew, where I specifically chose NOT to sit this year. All of the things she discerned in her prophetic prayers were confirmed as I shared about my longing for a child and the infertility treatments I was in the midst of. They laid hands on me and prayed for healing. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.
As I write this, I wish for those who’ve never experienced the healing hand of God to really hear and understand what it feels like. Of course, you cannot possibly fully understand until you yourself have encountered His healing power. I felt my stomach and my entire body start to tremble! Doubt and fear were released from my mind and my heart! Peace and trust in God’s promises replaced the lies and deception I carried. I now BELIEVED God would entrust me with a child. The peace that consumed me was incredible. I could barely walk. The joy that consumed me had me crying in elation, KNOWING I would become a mother.
Preparing for this third attempt at IVF was much more peaceful. I simply KNEW it would be a success. My trust in God to show His faithfulness was unwavering. All I had to do was trust in His promise, the direct prophetic word I received at retreat, and to continue on with my treatment. Work no longer consumed my days as I shifted gears from a highly demanding and exhausting seventy-hour work week to a part time thirty-hour work week.
The journey gets even better... Part 3 to come shortly!
This is a beautiful, heart warming, heart wrenching, peek into such an emotional time in your life. I know that your transparency here is powerful in its ability to speak to other women. Great writing, Cherie - can't wait to read the rest.
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