Be Courageous or Recoil? Excavating the Roots of My Past

Some writers pour out childhood memories onto paper like water from a spout. I am not one of them. As I construct words and sentences into paragraphs and chapters of my story, I rely on a rather shoddy memory. Oh, I can tell the story. The more difficult task is showing how the external craziness impacted me. 

What did I feel at the time?

To the best of my ability, I must recall my physiological, physical, emotional, and rational reactions. I'm talking about as far back as fifty years ago! Regardless of years of healing, attempting to make contact with that compartment of my memory bank is similar to a wire that is shorting out. With every spark, there is a glimpse of my reactions to those early years.

Yesterday, a writing mentor asked what I will do to stretch myself as a writer. My stretch is digging into my childhood roots to excavate suppressed memories and emotions. That's a BIG stretch!

Well. last night I began to recoil after reading a beautiful note of encouragement from my mother. The tears would not stop as I read her words...

"I'm so proud of you..always, since you were born. 

I love you and wish you peace in all you do."

Love & Kisses, Mom

These early chapters do not paint a pretty picture of her.

How can I write this now? Look how loving and nurturing she is NOW! 

I know the outcome of the story and both of my parents will be honored. But I must tell the whole story.

Joshua stepped up to lead the Israelites to the promised land, but only after the Lord reminded him of His command that was sent through Moses.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and courageous. 

Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!" 

(Joshua 1:9 AMPC) 

Joshua, in turn, commanded the officers of the people.

It is nice to receive encouragement and wise counsel. But a command? We all need them from time to time. I have my marching orders. I take God's commands seriously. And I am grateful He reminds me of His commands just at the moment I'm prone to recoil. After all, the battle is the Lord's. (2 Chron 20:15)

I'm anticipating many more tears as I work through the scenes of my story. Despite the tears, I will remind myself of Joshua 1:9 and courageously and shamelessly excavate the tangled roots of my past. 

Devoted in Him ~

Cherie