Caring To The Extreme

Leave all your cares and anxieties at the feet of the Lord, 

and measureless grace will strengthen you. 

Psalm 55:22 (The Passion Translation)

Oldest child syndrome is a serious deal. I suffer from this incurable curse.

Though I no longer live at home with my siblings and am now an official empty-nester, I remain the oldest. In this new stage of life, I discovered the oldest child syndrome applies to my role as part of the Sandwich Generation.

Let me explain. 

Oldest child syndrome defined is the eldest sibling who learned the art of being responsible for everyone and everything. We tend to take far too much burden upon ourselves.

As part of the Club Sandwich among the Sandwich Generation, I am sandwiched between caring for aging parents and adult children. My mother does not yet live with us, though it is inevitable. 

Growing up, I took on the role of the parent on many occasions. It's how I'm wired. Back then, I attributed it to my own survival, mostly. Today, I am convinced my mother still needs my parenting from time to time for her survival. There is a fine line, really. 

You see, my mother is a battered woman. Despite her fighting spirit, which she inherited from our Sicilian organized crime family, she is also very mentally and emotionally broken. She remains in an extremely verbally abusive and mind-controlling relationship. It's been a love-hate thing between them for forty years. It's painful to witness. I want her to live a peaceful life for the remainder of her years. Mom has her own bedroom in our house. So, I digress...

You see where I'm going?

Well, my last visit to their house presented the proverbial last straw. My mother asked permission to go to lunch with me. Her posture was shrunken down a bit, as if she expected punishment.

I could not just stand there without standing up for my mother. "Don't worry. I'm taking Mom to lunch and we'll probably do some shopping afterward. We'll be back later this afternoon. C'mon, Mom." 

When he threatened to kick her out over it, I blew a gasket. In a matter of minutes, we were packing her things. "She's coming with me!"

For nearly six weeks, I took charge of rearranging her life. We studied our devotions and Scripture together. We prayed together. I took her to see her grandchildren. The sad thing is I did more for my mother than she wanted to do for herself. Despite knowing Mom is weak and prone to return to her abuser, I expected her to wake up this time. Those around me knew she was not ready to make the move. But, that did not matter to me. I was in charge.

Everything we struggled through was for not and she returned to him as if nothing was ever wrong.

Devastated, disappointed, and angry, I couldn't understand. How could she do this? I am protecting her and providing for her! Doesn't she want to live in freedom and get closer to God? He keeps her from God!

All the while, I am also writing my memoir. My mother's memory is key in this effort and she enjoys filling in the blank areas of my memory bank. Excavating traumatic childhood memories, coupled with yet another chaotic scene from this chapter of Mom's life, was more than I could handle. This opened an old parent wound and now salt was poured into that wound. My husband encouraged me to get away to the coast for much-needed soul care. He is pretty wise.

"Yes, dear!" I couldn't agree more.

I hiked down to my favorite spot on Limantour Beach and began praying. I opened my favorite Spurgeon devotional. I can always count on the discerning wisdom of Spurgeon. 

Leave all your cares and anxieties at the feet of the Lord, 

and measureless grace will strengthen you. 

Psalm 55:22 (The Passion Translation)

Spurgeon writes, "Care, even though exercised upon legitimate objects, if carried to excess, has in it the nature of sin. The precept to avoid anxious care is earnestly indicated by our Savior, again and again...For the very nature of anxious care is the imagining that we are wiser than God, and the thrusting ourselves into His place to do for Him that which we fancy He will forget; we labor to take upon ourselves our weary burden, as if He were unable or unwilling to take it for us.

I'm sure you've felt that piercing conviction in your soul at times. It went deep for me. As I continued reading, I remembered the night I called out to Jesus and recommitted my life to Him. My prayer included a petition for the wisdom of Solomon; for increased discernment in good vs. evil. Just as I recalled that prayer, I encountered the breakthrough the Lord had for me. 

Wisdom called out loud, raising her voice…

Wisdom told me to trust in God's loving-kindness, and not grieve the Spirit of God.

Wisdom told me to calmly leave my affairs in God's sovereign hand.

Wisdom told me if I continue to carry this burden, I'm very likely to be tempted to use wrong means to help my situation.

Wisdom compelled me to surrender and to lay it all at His feet.

Wisdom told me God’s hand is upon my mother.

Wisdom told me I am no longer in charge.

Thank you, Lord, for responding to my prayers by imparting wisdom through your Spirit.